I made someone do what she made me do. Why? Why did I do that, I just wanted him to know that there was someone going through the same thing he was. I didnt mean to give him another way to hurt himself. I know once you do it, every time you feel that way after that, you will do it again. He says that its not my fault, but I know it is. I am so tired and so full of ambition and hurt at the same time. These people are my friends and I dont want to lose them, but I dont want to hurt them either.  Why must I do all this to myself. I do wrong by me even when I dont realize it. I do not know how I can reverse this. I want to create a world where me and all my like can be equal, but if I am not sociable and relatively successful I cannot do that. People's intentions are not their actions. They may mean well but they dont act as well as they mean. I need to be a good person. I need to be loved. If I can be loved I can allow all of the others like me to be loved too. 

"In a little while, just a little while, you and I will be 1,2,3,4. In a little while just a little while  I will see your smile on the face of my son to be forever hand in glove, is the way I have it planned, but I'll only stay in love, If the glove contains your hand" - In a Little While, Once Upon a Mattress 

I have drastically changed my additude over the past 3 days. I went on a school retreat this weekend and it totally changed my whole perspecive. Not only do I feel closer to my whole grade than I ever have, but I feel better than I have in months. I had a really amazing conversation with kids in our grade. I love them and see that if I really try hard enough I can get to know and be friends with them. I'm not going to lie, I felt really awkward. But, the awkwardness fades as you get closer and closer to the people that you are talking to. My next step is to get closer to the people in the play. They all seem really nice and sweet and I know if I try hard enough they can become my friends. I love being here right now! I am stoaked for the play next sunday....<3

"Quiet Quiet, the Queen insists on quiet, she's ordered 20 mattresses the softest and the best, and shes threatened execution if we dare desturb the rest of her very special guest shes ordered quiet, quiet" - Quiet, Once Upon a Mattress

I am so confused. I thought I knew who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I guess I dont anymore though. It makes me sad that I dont know anymore. I have been hurt so badly that it made me believe in "no one no cry" so I feel like I want to be a loner. I dont care about having friends or being popular, I just want to help people and do what I am passionate about. I don't want to be so much of a leader but a follower someone behind the scenes who makes everything happen. I want to make my dreams come true. Even if I'm not a household name, even if I never strike it big, Ill be helping people. That is my greatest dream. 

I dont know what to say to the people out there who are feeling what I feel right now. I know that there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better. I know that you will just go home and cry into someone's arm like I did last night. I just want you to hope. I hope everyday that things will get better. I know someday they will because I'm confident. I try to build my self confidence everyday. Because confidence is the key to being happy. If your confident in yourself you wont really care what those other people say. I want to send this message to anyone out there feeling lonely. Find something your passionate about. Being passionate makes you happy and gives you an oppertunity to meet people that arent like the ones you usually come in contact with. That's where Live Out Loud has really helped me. I strive to be the best. I love, I laugh and I cry. You can be balanced, you just need confiednce, hope and passion. 

"Life is a road and I want to keep going, Love is a river and I want to keep flowing"- At The Beginning, Anistasia 

Diamond

Diamonds are shiny, they lure us in with there sparkle and sexy appeal. When you get close to the diamond  you have to make a choice, whether you want to pay the price or not. It's one of those pivotal moments in life where you really realize who you are. You probably have two choices in front of you, the one that could make you popular or the one that could make you a great person. You have to choose the one you want more, you have to choose the one that makes you happy. I will come across that moment next year when I decide if I want to continue acting or not. I love to act, but I want to do hockey and I want to focus more on gay rights stuff. Hockey doesn't begin until the spring, the ending of the production but it would mean that I have to either miss tryouts or double up. I want to be in the GSA next year, but my therapy gets in the way of me doing more than one afterschool thing at a time. Besides, I got alot of crap for being in the play this year because my mom said it was preventing me from doing other things that are more meaningful  than acting. The thing is I don't want to give up acting because it runs in my blood. My mom was an wonderful actress and a drama teacher. I have been acting since I was 4 years old, when I was in the chorus of a semi-professional production of The Sound of Music. Ever since then I have been in a production almost every year since. I didn't do anything in 8th grade because I didn't have access to any theatre stuff. I know that I don't have time for everything but I'm still not sure what is more important. What is my Diamond? And what's my right path? Have you guys ever had a crystalizing moment like that (scrubs reference)? What was your experience? Write it in the comments! Please! Remember to follow me!

"Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here" - Weightless, All Time Low

The Real World

Sometimes in the world you need to compromise with people. You can not always have everything your way. I know people who have an image of what they want in their head and refuse to except anything less than perfect. Perfectionism is a good thing sometimes, but sometimes you cant have exactly what you want because things don't go as you plan. A very good friend of mine once said what happens in here (school) is not the same as what happens out there (the world). When you get out there your'e on your own. Its the "real world" as he calls it. It's not easy and It's not fun but it happens and you have to get through it because sometimes life might surprise you and give you a good moment. He says that I am more in the real world than any of my classmates because of what I have endured. That out there there are millions of people just like me. If you are feeling alone, just know that there is someone out there just like you for you to talk and connect to, and to listen to there story too. That is what NGYA is all about. Please visit our site at ngya.yolasites.com. Thanks!

"this cant be the real world now, I dont believe it, when I cant see the truth" - The Real World. All American Rejects

"And there's a million of us just like me
who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!" - The Real Slim Shady, Eminem 

Connection

I am trying to think of ways to connect with other LGBT activists to network and build a community. I want to be able to be in contact with many LGBT organizations and activists from all around the world. I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions how to do that? I'm using twitter but I feel that I am not getting out there enough. What else is there? I have linkedin and facebook and this blog, but I want more attention from the LGBT community. I was wondering if there was anyone reading this with alot of social networking experience that could help me? I really love doing what I do and I want to make it known to everyone out there what I'm doing and what my message is. I know that someday I will be the big activist I want but I just want to build up a small community right now. So spread the word!
Thanks,

Emmy

"I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairy tale and I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the starewell, this ain't hollywood, this is a big town and it's too late for you and your white horse to come around"
-Taylor Swift, White Horse