crazy studying is crazy studying which leaves me no time for anything! ahhhhh omg! english and ssx3 + chem = study face of steele! so now what??? Day of silence thats what! dayofsilence.org is amazing, the people there are amazing and I feel amazing (apart from more than legit failing my math test! go day of silence now!!!!!!

Today is one of my BFF's birthdays! He is like the coolest kid ever. I love brithdays, not just for me but for everybody. It makes you feel good about yourself, either because you love that person so much or because you are that person that everyone loves. I love my life right now. This morning, I completley forgot everything (including some important stuff), but it felt so good. Living in the moment is amazing because you dont really have anything to worry about. I love everyone from my play too, their all so nice and amazing. They know exactly how I'm like and they accept me, jusr like my friends do. You need to pave the way for yourself before you pave it for others. That is what i am trying to do right now.  I want to pave that road and I will. I love.....

"shy im incredibly shy cant you see that this confident air is a mask that I wear cuz im shy, and you may be sure, way down deep I'm demure, and though some might deny it at bottom I'm quiet and pure. I know its wrong to be meek as I am my chances may pass me by, I pretend to be strong but as weak as I am all I can do is try" - Shy, Once Upon a Mattress

I made someone do what she made me do. Why? Why did I do that, I just wanted him to know that there was someone going through the same thing he was. I didnt mean to give him another way to hurt himself. I know once you do it, every time you feel that way after that, you will do it again. He says that its not my fault, but I know it is. I am so tired and so full of ambition and hurt at the same time. These people are my friends and I dont want to lose them, but I dont want to hurt them either.  Why must I do all this to myself. I do wrong by me even when I dont realize it. I do not know how I can reverse this. I want to create a world where me and all my like can be equal, but if I am not sociable and relatively successful I cannot do that. People's intentions are not their actions. They may mean well but they dont act as well as they mean. I need to be a good person. I need to be loved. If I can be loved I can allow all of the others like me to be loved too. 

"In a little while, just a little while, you and I will be 1,2,3,4. In a little while just a little while  I will see your smile on the face of my son to be forever hand in glove, is the way I have it planned, but I'll only stay in love, If the glove contains your hand" - In a Little While, Once Upon a Mattress 

I have drastically changed my additude over the past 3 days. I went on a school retreat this weekend and it totally changed my whole perspecive. Not only do I feel closer to my whole grade than I ever have, but I feel better than I have in months. I had a really amazing conversation with kids in our grade. I love them and see that if I really try hard enough I can get to know and be friends with them. I'm not going to lie, I felt really awkward. But, the awkwardness fades as you get closer and closer to the people that you are talking to. My next step is to get closer to the people in the play. They all seem really nice and sweet and I know if I try hard enough they can become my friends. I love being here right now! I am stoaked for the play next sunday....<3

"Quiet Quiet, the Queen insists on quiet, she's ordered 20 mattresses the softest and the best, and shes threatened execution if we dare desturb the rest of her very special guest shes ordered quiet, quiet" - Quiet, Once Upon a Mattress

I am so confused. I thought I knew who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I guess I dont anymore though. It makes me sad that I dont know anymore. I have been hurt so badly that it made me believe in "no one no cry" so I feel like I want to be a loner. I dont care about having friends or being popular, I just want to help people and do what I am passionate about. I don't want to be so much of a leader but a follower someone behind the scenes who makes everything happen. I want to make my dreams come true. Even if I'm not a household name, even if I never strike it big, Ill be helping people. That is my greatest dream. 

I dont know what to say to the people out there who are feeling what I feel right now. I know that there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better. I know that you will just go home and cry into someone's arm like I did last night. I just want you to hope. I hope everyday that things will get better. I know someday they will because I'm confident. I try to build my self confidence everyday. Because confidence is the key to being happy. If your confident in yourself you wont really care what those other people say. I want to send this message to anyone out there feeling lonely. Find something your passionate about. Being passionate makes you happy and gives you an oppertunity to meet people that arent like the ones you usually come in contact with. That's where Live Out Loud has really helped me. I strive to be the best. I love, I laugh and I cry. You can be balanced, you just need confiednce, hope and passion. 

"Life is a road and I want to keep going, Love is a river and I want to keep flowing"- At The Beginning, Anistasia 

Diamond

Diamonds are shiny, they lure us in with there sparkle and sexy appeal. When you get close to the diamond  you have to make a choice, whether you want to pay the price or not. It's one of those pivotal moments in life where you really realize who you are. You probably have two choices in front of you, the one that could make you popular or the one that could make you a great person. You have to choose the one you want more, you have to choose the one that makes you happy. I will come across that moment next year when I decide if I want to continue acting or not. I love to act, but I want to do hockey and I want to focus more on gay rights stuff. Hockey doesn't begin until the spring, the ending of the production but it would mean that I have to either miss tryouts or double up. I want to be in the GSA next year, but my therapy gets in the way of me doing more than one afterschool thing at a time. Besides, I got alot of crap for being in the play this year because my mom said it was preventing me from doing other things that are more meaningful  than acting. The thing is I don't want to give up acting because it runs in my blood. My mom was an wonderful actress and a drama teacher. I have been acting since I was 4 years old, when I was in the chorus of a semi-professional production of The Sound of Music. Ever since then I have been in a production almost every year since. I didn't do anything in 8th grade because I didn't have access to any theatre stuff. I know that I don't have time for everything but I'm still not sure what is more important. What is my Diamond? And what's my right path? Have you guys ever had a crystalizing moment like that (scrubs reference)? What was your experience? Write it in the comments! Please! Remember to follow me!

"Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here" - Weightless, All Time Low